it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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