i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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