so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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