I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize