Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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