video games are the ultimate cock blocker
what is it with giant penises always finding me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
