got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
