My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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