jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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