I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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