Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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