It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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