oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
