I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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