Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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