How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
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I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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