"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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