did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
