Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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