I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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