whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
