mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the liver wants what the liver wants
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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