omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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