batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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