Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
