I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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