Already got asked if we're dating
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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