Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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