craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
