Tell her she can't have a vagina
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
