dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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