TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
