I was born with a shot glass in my hand
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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