I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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