Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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