My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
These tits shall not be calmed
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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