omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
