I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
