I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
