If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
