I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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