So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
