if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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