You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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