I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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