You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
