Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I accidentally had phone sex last night
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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