I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
