I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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