We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm passing your future prison.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
