my mouth tastes like poor choices
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
