Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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