Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
