So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
