tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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