I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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