Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
